I thought the worst was over. For once, I get to finish something I started. To everyone who believed in me, thank you. I hope you understand that the peace I’m longing for, is this.

I have been in this constant battle for so long. I feel so alone, I can’t stop thinking about everything. People tell me I’m blessed to have everything— a supportive family, best set of friends, a great career, and a strong relationship (which apparently had ended because I got cheated on with Val Ramos, a slut my ex boyfriend met on Tinder with her nude photos and videocalls together). Apparently, it’s just the facade you see. It’s easy to say you can just move on. I know I deserve to be happy. I know I’m smart, strong, and beautiful but deep inside me I no longer find happiness.

I’m only alive because I have to. My parents were separated and got their own families but they never abandoned me. With that, I only wished to have my own family with a simple life. I built my dreams and pushed myself to have a good career only to find out I’ll only be cheated, lied, betrayed, and fooled over again. The wounds in my heart and in my mind are so deep and are so much worse.

I have this constant battle daily whether to live or not. He pulled me towards the light, gave me hope and see the beauty of life… with him and our future together. The pain is too much. The pain starts to destroy the little self-love and hope I have for myself. Now it’s all gone, the dark side of me is ready to be free and be gone.

He just pulled the trigger for me to end this battle. Everytime I try to do my best, there’s a spring that keeps pulling me back.

Thank you to my family who loved me so much even if I’m hurting them and giving them so much problems. I may not always show it but I love you mama and daddy. You guys did a great job to raise me, I’m grateful for all your patience, hardwork, and love. Please don’t blame yourselves, it wasn’t your fault. I feel bad and guilty because I know how much you love me. Everytime I try to push you away so you can let go and unlove me, pained me because I didn’t want to hurt you. I just want to be gone. Forever.

To everyone that I met and had spent good times with, you guys are doing a great job dealing with life and the challenges that comes with it. My attempts always fail because I still see hope somehow, but now I don’t. I don’t know I what I was looking for. Perhaps it didn’t even exist.

To you James, may you find peace today on your birthday. I hope you and Val will find happiness that you deserve both. I hope her nude photos will still circle around social media though. I told you, it was your choice and decision, and me dying is my decision also because you pushed me to do so to be forever be gone out of your lives. So save the time and money you’d spend to file a case on me and leave my family out of this. I give you peace. So thank you and I will always cherish everything, good and bad. Happy birthday.

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