It’s 2 o’clock in the morning… I’ve been wanting to write about my feelings on this blog and share how I feel. Over the last few weeks, I’ve been too embarrassed to admit to anyone especially on social media to express how I really feel. I’m doing my best to keep it together because I’m afraid that people won’t accept, judge me, or take this against me. This has been a constant dilemma if I really have to post this. But then I just realized how important it is to talk about mental health so people can understand why I and many other people with the same condition feel this way. I want to share this story in hopes that it might help others dealing with the depression and anxiety and for their families and friends to help them understand.
I’m not okay, okay?
Almost ten years ago, depression snuck up. My family was so supportive to give me medical attention and I was on medication for I think a year or so back when I was in college. I stopped my medication. I graduated and I was doing much better. I was on a break from my medications for six years even if I had occasional break downs. I was able to manage myself, just drink out with friends or cry alone.
A few months ago, I felt different. I have everything these days— a good career, a good relationship (I’d like to think), the best set of true friends, and supportive families. I mean come on, my work is kind of a blessing because I get to help other people. It’s so fulfilling and heartwarming. But then, why do I feel so empty inside? What’s wrong with me? How did I get here… again?
No, it isn’t something my mind created. Trust me, I don’t even want to stress myself out and I just wish I can easily forget and destroy these thoughts away. It’s vast, it’s not just sadness or wanting to seek attention. I can’t even point out the problem and address it. The thing about this depression is it doesn’t only affect myself but the people around me— my career, my relationship, my friends and family. I’ve been wanting to be alone. I mean I try to go out and drink with friends and workmates but after that, I find myself lonely. There are moments where happiness seems so hard to achieve.
I neglect the basic stuff. Couldn’t even do my skincare routine at night. Can’t even do the laundry, wash the dishes, or clean the house. My mom thinks I’m just being lazy but I just don’t feel like doing anything. I feel my stomach growling but I don’t have the energy to cook a meal for myself. It’s okay for me to starve. I just like to stay at home alone and watch Netflix hoping it would distract my anxiety and fall asleep after.
It’s hard for me to wake up each day even though I know there is a lot of work that needs to be done. I love my job, it actually feels like I’m not working anymore because I enjoy it and the stress that comes with it. Sometimes I wake up, realize shit I still got a lot to do. My daily routine consists of waking up in the middle of the night, think about my existence and try to get back to sleep so I can function better the next day. I had to get up on the bed and fix myself trying to be okay.
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I got the bad news— my boyfriend for four years cheated on me for a little slut she met on Tinder. She knew that he has a girlfriend. She even shared on her Instagram and Twitter their photos together and how they loved each other. Later on, she claimed she didn’t know that he has a girlfriend but her tweets are the proof that she knew what she’s getting into. This was happening for a month or so and I figured out three hours before my flight to Los Angeles, California for my work trip. I wish it didn’t happen. I was so broken. I was projecting so much negativity and I focused so much on my pain and personal issues that I forgot other people. I guess I’ve been busy being depressed that I never thought of other people that I love. I’ve been on a rampage on trivial things and wanted to get even. I was so furious to get revenge because I don’t deserve the pain.
I have been angry, mean, and rude to people without realizing it and ended up regretting my actions and words. I feel awful. I just wanted to get away… to escape or even drown myself so I don’t have to deal with the pain. I just want to be normal and have peace of mind.
WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A PERSON DEALING WITH DEPRESSION
I hate it when people tell me these:
“That’s just life, it’s hard for everyone.”
“There are people out there who are dealing much worse off than what you feel.”
“Just think positive.”
“Don’t think so much.”
“It’s all in your head.” (definitely my favorite line, I’d like to slap you in the face)
“You should go to Church and pray. It’s the evil spirit.”
No, Linda, it’s not that as easy as what you think. You can tell me different people have other ways to cope up with their shit. Nope, my mind doesn’t work the same and I didn’t ask for this.
I must admit, yes, I may have forgotten or distanced myself spiritually. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong seeking for spiritual healing from mental health condition but we can’t just pray about it. I need to get help. People dealing with this kind of illness need to get medical attention. Recognizing that you have depression is the first step and so I’m sharing this with you.
Today, I continue to work on myself through the help, support, and love of the people around me. I’m slowly regaining a sense of purpose. I’m getting there, still seeking medical attention and managing to get back to put myself first and my happiness. I don’t need all the riches in the world. I just want a simple life— have my own house (by the beach would be cool), a car, and a happy family of my own.
IT’S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY
Lastly, if there is one last thing I can leave you with is let’s change the way we talk about depression. Take it seriously and be there for the person who needs help. It takes a sheer amount of strength to live with a mental health disorder.
I love writing. This is my space and I hope it would make me happy to share what I’ve been going through. The real me, uncurated on my happy Instagram account. I’m doing my best to KEEP GOING.
All thoughts and experience stated in this post are entirely my own. Please seek professional help if you don’t feel good about yourself.