I am a new person now. Some say I’m better, some might think I’m worse, but this is me, and this is how I live my life. If you’re a hopeless romantic with a deep desire to love and be loved, just like me, you’ll realize that nothing comes easy. Love isn’t easy but love also isn’t supposed to make us suffer.
I have a tendency to cling on too tightly to people, memories, stretching out all the goodness until I realize nothing is ever permanent. I would clench my fists and start crying, thinking and reenacting what could have I done wrong. How I wish endings were easier for me. I wish letting go of the bad and fear of losing… saying goodbye to anyone or anything will just be fine.
Sleep has become my favorite thing. It’s my happy place. I don’t have to think. I don’t have to worry. Until I wake up, that is. My depression is consuming me. It has become a shadow of the person I used to be. I don’t know how long this will take over. Sometimes it makes me cry myself to sleep. Sometimes it makes me zone out and disassociate from family, friends, colleagues who want the best for me. It makes me say no to plans and not answer my phone for days. It messes with my head. And I begin to question everyone and everything about my life.
You will never know that there are thoughts living and breathing in my skin. Maybe one day I’ll tell them. When I find the right words. More than these. And when I’m more than this.
But I hope they will understand. Because I still don’t.
All thoughts and experience stated in this post are entirely my own. Please seek professional help if you don’t feel good about yourself.